Saturdays with Layla

I woke up this morning feeling like I slept great.  I went to the DVR and turned on Sling Blade.  I know it's kind of a dark movie...  but I love it, and I love Billy Bob Thorton's performance.  I forget it's him and that's the sign of a wonderful actor. 

I woke Bill up finally around 10:00 or 10:30 and we went over to Britts for a little visit.  We of course brought Layla home with us to spend the night.  She is busy watching the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown for the 4th time.  I almost have parts of it memorized.

I left her and Bill at home and went to Michael's craft store.  I needed to buy pinking shears to cut out circles of fabric to top my canned stuff with for Christmas gifts.  Then I found the cutest labels (Martha Stewart line of course) and some gold ribbon to tag each jar with.  They should be pretty in baskets. 
While I was there I couldn't help but look at all the Christmas stuff they have out.  I may have to go back when I have some time and do a little pre Christmas decorating shopping.  I love that store!  I tell my family if on any occasion they do not know what to buy for me, get me a gift card to Michael's and I will be pleased as punch.

I left Michael's and went grocery shopping.  Just to pick up a few things.  Mostly veggies.  They are so hard to keep fresh without buying almost every 3 or 4 days.  While I was walking around I realized my oxygen had run out.  I think it ran out while I was at Michael's and I just didn't realize it. 
When I left the house I grabbed a scarf to wear around my throat to cover my incision.  And, at around the same time I noticed the O2 I started getting pain in my throat.  The scarf was covering my incision and because it was cashmere it made my throat warm and moist and my incision began to burn.

By the time I got home I was a mess.  The incision is fine, just more sore than it had been for a couple days.  My lungs were burning from being without O2 and I was tired.  As I began to unload the car, I stopped ... walked in the house and asked Bill to do it for me.  I barely could carry my purse with empty O2 canister in it.  It was this moment that I could have taken one of those elusive naps I spoke of yesterday.  LoL 

Instead I helped unload groceries.  Tried to hide my Michael's treasures from Layla because anytime she sees scissors and stickers or ribbon she thinks its arts and craft time ... and this grandma didn't even have it in her to hide the things let alone be crafty. 

I forgot to mention ...  While at Brittney's house I went in and got on her scale.  I don't own one.  Her scale said I was at 218, which if correct means I gained 6 pounds in the last 2 weeks.  GOD I HOPE NOT!!!  Like I said yesterday .... This is one thing I would rather not be so honest about.  I will keep on doing what I am doing and go to weigh in on Tuesday and pray that it's not as bad as I think it might be. 

I am so irritated with myself.  I really am taking this healthy business to heart.  I know how important it is for me to get smaller to have a better chance at a successful transplant ... yet I keep gaining weight.  It's almost as bad as smoking with emphysema.  And, did I mention I am paying each week to gain weight.  Doesn't make much sense does it?? 

I am going to have to find some way to add exercise to my daily activity.  I will remind bill again that I want to start walking.  I am kind of afraid to do it on my own ... only because when I get out of breath ... I am vulnerable and have small anxiety attacks until I can get back in a breathing rhythm again, and it's nice to have him or Britt there to remind me I'll be O.K. and to just relax.  It's easy to get riled up and the intensity of the attack gets worse and worse until I force myself to slow down and take deep meaningful breaths.  It's hard to panic and remain calm.  LOL 

I am getting to that magic sleep time now, and there is a little girl all snuggled down in my bed waiting for her grandma to join her.  She said that if she went to bed early tonight then Halloween will get here faster.  So goodnight, see you on Halloween. :)

Life is what we make it

I am done with my thyroid, just to have my follow up appointment on the 3rd ... then that can be behind me. 
I already had my breast issues solved.
I have my heart problem under control.
My depression is being treated and seems to be under control.

I think I am on the mend.  It's onward and upward to transplant.  Or, to the pulmonologist the 15th where I can find out what if anything has been done regarding starting the process of transplant.

Don't misunderstand me.  I know full well this will be a long process and there will be many steps I will have to take.  No skipping ahead either.  It's a very thorough and complete process and it's like that for a reason.  They can leave nothing unturned.  I know and am prepared for waiting. 
Pffttt!  Listen to me... "prepared to wait"... who am I kidding?  LoL  I will pledge to do my best to have patience and let the process take me along for the ride instead of me pushing. 

I am going to ask of my Pulmonologists' nurse ... to call me or email me once a month to let me know if there is any progress.  It will save my nerves and her being bothered by me doing my best not to call 2 or 3 times a month.  One email shouldn't hurt either one of us.  I'll let you know what she says.

I have come home from the hospital having this thyroid surgery feeling new.  Maybe a new outlook?  I dunno.  My surgery was quick.  My incision is great, and fairly painless.  I am still in the 72 hour window and have no need for the pain meds.  I of course won't keep them here, I will take them to the doctor or flush them.  I keep 2 or 3 just in case I ever need them, but will not keep bottles of pain meds around.  And, believe me with each new procedure or trip to the doctor these days I get new pain meds.  Some very strong.  I just do not like to have them around.  I have heard too many stories of friends and friends of friends and even family stealing meds.  If I don't have them around... they can't get into the wrong hands.

I feel lighter.  I feel like now once again I can just concentrate on my Copd and to me that's easier than worrying about all these other medical issues.  Something to focus on.  Being healthy, staying healthy, avoiding colds/flu.  Watching big crowds in stores for germs.  Using more sanitizing gel that I ever thought was possible.  I am back on the diet.  I took 2 days off to baby or pamper myself after surgery.  Cheeseburgers and healthy baked fries and all things salty.  Today.. I am back on WW. 
Next Tuesday will be 2 weeks since I last weighed in.   I think my last weight loss was 1.6 pounds.  I would like this one to be better.  I don't know how it will go.  I haven't had bad days, I haven't pigged out on anything, so I should be good. 

You know, it's one thing to diet and have ups and downs each week.  It's another thing to be accountable to a public blog about my successes and failures.  And, there have been failures.  I need to keep remembering the ultimate goal.  The "T" word.  I need to be at a average weight for my height and that is going to be a considerable weight loss.

I told Bill it feels nice to just be a Copd sufferer.  I know what to expect, what to watch for.  I can tell good days and when bad ones are coming.  Once in a while a bad day or period will sneak up on me, but if I listen to my body closely I can tell what's coming.

Right now it's feeling relieved to have the hospital behind me.  To have normal Doctor appointments and every 3 months the pulmonologist visit.  I don't feel so damaged.  There for a while I was used goods, damaged material.  I am coming back from that. 
My hair is still straight and lifeless.  I still have some dark circles under my eyes.  I still have a cannula around my face. 
But, I can color my hair ... And, I can wear make up to hide dark circles.
I can try and be better about napping and sleeping.  When I am tired, sleep... how easy is that?  As it turns out... not so easy.  I am not a very good napper.

I talked to a woman today who is struggling with Copd.  Her family is not supportive and I can't imagine how hard that would make things.  She seemed focused on the bad.  I suppose I was to in the beginning.  Obsessed with "what stage" you're in?  Or, what is your FEV1 level?  Or, what is "life expectancy"?  I tried to tell her to take these moments and LIVE.  Enjoy life.  Look for small things to make you smile, like your grandchild's face, the sun shining through white fluffy clouds, the smell of fall air... anything.  You can find something each day to smile about.  If you are struggling with depression talk to your doctor and find a treatment that works for you.  When I want to get a push forward I go back to the beginning of this blog and read.  I was this woman I spoke to today.  I obsessed with the dark side of Copd.  I couldn't get past it and I waisted so much precious time.  Time I could have been laughing and doing things with my family.  Instead I pushed them away.  I wanted to be alone with this illness. 

Well, when you have loved ones being alone is impossible.  This is a family affair, like it or not.  So, take each day you draw breath and LIVE.  The definition of it may differ day to day or month to month but you can always find something to live for.

I won't waist anymore time dwelling on what might be.  My future is unknown... I can live with that.

On the mend

On the 25th I had surgery on my thyroid.  I went in at 9:00 like scheduled.  Surgery was supposed to be at 10:30.  As I was waiting for 10:30 to roll around they came in and said there had been an emergency and my surgery wouldn't begin until 1:30.  Well, that's fine however I was STARVING because I hadn't had anything to eat or drink since 8:00 the night before, and they wouldn't allow me to get up and move about.  I was in a hospital gown and had a IV started so they wanted me to lay there.  Since my back surgery years ago I have a big problem laying in one spot for any length of time before my back begins to hurt and my restless leg thing begins to bother me.  So, those last 2 hours prior to going in for surgery were terrible.  Bill and Britt got to wait with me.  I kept telling them they could leave and come back after my surgery was over but they are just as stubborn as I am and so they stayed.

Surgery was fairly quick, I think it was only an hour and a half.  He did not have to remove my thyroid, just the nodules and he said he did some scraping of a few areas just to make sure he didn't leave anything behind.  He said pathology came back clear on the nodules but he didn't like the looks of things.  I will make an appointment with him today and go in for a follow up in about 10 days.  I was home yesterday by about 3:00 in the afternoon and for the most part went to bed. 

Here is how it looked this morning.............

After surgery it hurt pretty bad.  Mostly muscular it seemed, and when I would try and raise up out of bed and strain those muscles.  I got sick the night after surgery.  I think it was from the anesthesia.  So, I was on a liquid diet after that.  Finally yesterday afternoon right before they released me to come home I ate a turkey sandwich and some soup.

Today I am not nearly as sore.  I still cannot turn my head very well, and my voice sounds like Bea Arthur (Dorothy on the golden girls, or Maude).  It is tender when I swallow.  I expect this only to last a few days.  The voice and throat.  All in all, it went smooth.

He said he left the thyroid and just took the nodules out.  Then scraped a few areas.  He actually said he "was not kind" to a few places in my throat.  He said there were suspicious looking areas that he "took care of". 

Layla came to see me the first night, and while there lost her first tooth while chewing gum.  It became quite an event and she ended up having her tooth carried home in a urine specimen container (new of course!).  She told her mom she wanted to go right home and to bed so the tooth fairy would come.   LOL  She said she would always remember losing her tooth the same day grandma got her throat cut.  LoL!!!  She is so darned cute!

I started to get congestion in my chest the morning after surgery.  I did my best to cough it out, but coughing with my throat sore didn't work very well.   Last night when I went to bed I noticed again when I laid down that my chest would begin to get phlegm in it.  Today I have coughed (ouch) and nothing is coming up, and it doesn't seem bad ... but anytime my chest rattles makes me nervous. 
I am thinking if I still have the feeling of something in my chest tomorrow I may call my Primary Care Dr. and ask her if I should possibly get a series of steroids and antibiotics?  I just would hate to get a chest infection now.  I have done so well since I quit smoking about not getting a chest cold, or pneumonia.  There was only one time I started running a little fever with green mucous in my nose that they doctor told me ... Anytime you feel like you are getting Anything respiratory to call them for antibiotics and steroids. 

So, I was going to blog about this before, then got side tracked, then had surgery and forgot.  A couple blogs ago I got a strange message from an anonymous person.  It made me think I was whining, or stating incorrect facts or something?  Maybe I am just being overly sensitive... it just wasn't my usual comments, and almost personal or something.  It's the first time any one's comments ever bothered me or made me question myself ... Just left me with an odd feeling.

Weight loss and Surgery

I went this morning to talk to my surgeon regarding my thyroid.  He said that twice now cells and fluid have been removed and have tested normal.  However, the size and shape of the nodules (2) leaves him and the radiologist to conclude the nodules need to be removed.  So... Monday morning the 25th I will have surgery around 10:30 a.m..  I will stay Monday night and come home Tuesday. 
I had a feeling that this was not going to be something that could be watched the next years.  I actually told him, "if there is any doubt then lets remove anything, because if anything could go wrong it has this year, so let's eliminate any surprises and do what you feel needs to be done".

I forgot, also yesterday was my Weight Watchers weigh in.  I lost 1.6 pounds bringing my total weight loss to 9.4 pounds.  Far from what I expected.  I am hoping things will settle down with my health issues and Bill and I can start walking again.  Even if I "stroll" while Bill walks.  I just need to move.  With the holidays coming and cold weather comfort food cravings showing up, it won't be easy.  But I have to be determined.  If I have moments of failure, I have to make myself get back on track.  I need to have a quiet moment to sit down and make a monthly weight loss goal for myself.  Then I can tell week by week how I will do. 

getting my house in order

Today I decided to get done a few things that had been sitting around.  For instance ... my Advanced Directive is all filled out and witnessed, however I needed to make copies and get it sent to my big brother.  Bill and Brittney will be my advocates, but I needed a third just in case.  I made them wallet cards and laminated them so they can have it with them just in case.  It tells the location of the advanced directive and who has copies. 

Of course half way through making copies of the thing I ran out of ink, so off to Staples I went.  Then as I was coming home it struck me I had been putting off writing my will.  After what happened to Mom and her things and her estate I want to make sure Brittney and Layla are taken care of, and my things go where I want them to go.  Brittney will have the say who gets what.  I want her to pick out one thing for each of my step daughters and one of her friends who is like a daughter to me.  And then the rest is hers to do with what she wants. 
Anyway, when I got home I called one of our dearest friends who is an attorney to ask him advice on how legal things will be if I just write it up and have my signature notarized?  He is such a doll ... he gave me an outline to follow and told me to write up my wishes and mail it to him.  Once he receives it he will make it his top priority to write it up in legal lingo and then call me to go with him to the bank to have it witnessed and notarized, then he'll make the necessary copies and keep one for himself and if there is a issue with the estate then Britt is to call him for help. 

What a huge weight that is lifted off of me.  Not that I think Bill would intentionally be mean or unfair to Brittney, but he has an exaggerated idea of how important his daughters are to me.  I have tried to tell him that they have their own mother and when the time comes they will get her things.  That my things belong to Brittney and Layla, and it will be up to Brittney how generous or not she wants to be to her step sisters. 

So, that's what I had been doing all afternoon.  Then I remembered that on Friday last week the surgeon who did the biopsy on my thyroid was supposed to call me, so I called his office.  His nurse told me she had planned to call me today to set up an appointment to go in and talk to the doctor.  He wants to go over my results with me.  Can I say how much I HATE THAT!  I just got a sinking feeling and have been trying to fight it every since.  Anyway... I have an appointment for Wednesday morning @ 9:30 to go chat. 

Tomorrow is my weigh in, and I am hoping it goes well.  I think I have done well again this week, but I have been surprised before.  I still have constipation.  I have taken 4 laxatives in 2 days and NADA.  What a terrible thing to write about.  LoL  Sorry ... but when you're trying to lose weight this is not helping.  Besides being uncomfortable and feeling bloated!  Ugh  I really miss just having Copd.  I know I keep saying that, but it's true.  I knew what to expect.  I knew what was coming. 

I have slept almost 12 hours a day this last week.  If I am not napping in my chair then I sleep way too long at night.  I just feel like I am dragging.  I am not sure if this is thyroid, heart or oxygen?  Or probably all of the above. 
When I wake up in the morning and step out of bed it is SO painful to walk.  My feet feel twice their size (they aren't of course) and it feels like I have a round ball on the ball of my foot that burns and hurts.  It even makes me limp for the first hour or so I am awake and slowly goes away. 
My feet hurt most the time anyway lately.  This I am not sure why?  

I am finding myself day dreaming about what needs to be taken care of before transplant and a temporary move if needed.  So...... I have been sorting, cleaning, and throwing away.  It started when I went to look for my winter clothes and couldn't find and finally did in a closet in the guest room.  I would have sworn I packed them away last spring. 

I am going room by room sorting, organizing and throwing so much away.  If the need happens to pack up our things and rent this house I want it to be a easy as possible.  And, if that need doesn't happen, well then I still organized.  I think of going through moms things.  She was so organized.  There wasn't one messy drawer or closet.  That's what I want Britt to find.  Not a bunch of mess to go through.  I know I am talking like something is going to happen to me.  It's just a faze I am going through.  It makes me feel like a load is lifted to know Britt will have an easier time. 

I think they call it "getting your house in order".  Well, mine hopefully will be room by room. 

I am so tired

I have been telling you my hair went straight. It is getting thin and lifeless. I don't know what is causing it and the doctors don't seem to care. I feel so frumpy anyway, I didn't need my hair to go wacky on me too.

I am finished canning for the year. I may give away my canning supplies just in case I ever think of doing it again! LOL Standing in the kitchen for 8+ hours every day just is too hard on me anymore. And, once you start there really is no stopping until it's all done. I plan to make baskets for our friends again (I do every year) only this year I think will be sauces and salsa and garlic, maybe some fancy chips to go with it and a gift card to our local butcher or something.

I usually spend days in the kitchen in the weeks prior to Christmas making cookies, fudge and candy's for everyone. This year however Britt is here and has a much nicer and roomier kitchen than I do, so I may still do it with her assistance.

Wouldn't it be nice to have some word on a transplant before then?!

There is really nothing new. Life with copd goes on. I can tell a slight change in my breathing ability with the onset of cold weather. I can only imagine how actual winter will feel?

I am hoping, really hoping that tomorrow I will hear from the surgeon about my biopsy. It will have been 11 days.
I took my meds early tonight, I am hoping they kick in and I can just go to sleep. I am finding every night I go to bed earlier and earlier. I have even resorted to taking naps during the day, about a half hour or so. I just feel exhausted!
Tuesday is my next WW weigh in. I have been watching Everything this week so I should see a loss. I also have been taking laxative every other day. It is helping, but not as much as I think it should. I'll let you know how Tuesday goes, and if I hear anything from the surgeon. Off to bed now.

Can Patience be learned?

I went to Weight Watchers on Tuesday and ..... Gained .8 pounds.  I don't know how?  I ate only small portions, I drank water, I ate vegetables, I didn't indulge.  How frustrating!  The only thing (big thing) I can think of is I have been constipated since being put on my heart medication.  I have been eating very high fiber, even taking fiber pills and nothing.  I went to the pharmacist and she suggested a laxative for me, which I have taken twice with No results.  So, Tuesday afternoon and again this morning I took laxative pills that Bill bought me.  Generic over the counter, run of the mill laxatives and they are working.  I will continue to take them every other day.  I will not be one of those who lose weight with laxatives, but I will not be one to suffer either.  I will do better with my weight loss.

I have renewed my commitment and REMEMBERED my reason to lose weight steadily and healthily and as rapid as possible.  I finally get it.  To get a lung transplant they match the lung size to body size.  Of course the smaller I am the greater my chances of getting a lung from a bigger group.  The lungs must be able to accommodate and be a vital part of the body they are going into.  If the body is too big for the lungs to handle you have failure, you have rejection.  It is much better to place too big of lungs into a smaller body than vice-versa.  So... It's losing I go. 

I thought about it and thought about it and for my own peace of mind I called my pulmonologist's nurse.  She has handled me most visits, except where explanation or bad news was to be given.  She is a doll.  When she returned my call I first asked for renewal prescriptions for Spiriva and Advair, and she said she would fax them in.  Then I gently asked if she had any information on the transplant.  She said that I need patience, that this will take some time.  So, remembering what my doctor told me that he wants me to be seen before winter I will call again in a few weeks, and then I will just ask her to have patience with me and to keep me posted on ANY progress, even just drop me a note, or leave me a message or shoot me any email. 
I don't think that is being too pushy.  I heard the word transplant over a month ago and have not heard of any progress.  I will be patient, but I expect a few little answers every once in a while. 

Hanging around waiting is fine, if they tell me it will take months.  But that is not what the Dr. said.  He said "by winter".  It's October.  I can do the hanging out with Copd/Emphysema thing.  I have that down to a science now.  I have a few new symptoms to report.   I am definitely having pain sometimes pretty intense in my right lung.  It is manageable right now with what pain meds I have the worse time seems to be when I lay down.  So, at night when I go to bed I raise up with pillows.  I feel like the princess and the pea.  I sometimes am afraid I will roll off the pillows and onto the floor!  LoL
Also, I am developing a small but annoying rattle when I breath.  I can't hear it during the day but at night when it's quiet I hear it, drives me crazy sometimes.

I called yesterday 1 week after my biopsy to find out any information.  Nada.  I really am not "one of those" who are pushy or needy or annoying.  I try so hard to just wait for news.  But, it seems they go weeks and weeks I nothing.  This thyroid issue has been going on since June/July and I still have no answers.  So... I'll wait.
It would just be nice to be able to check this off the list.  It would be nice to find out why my hair suddenly went straight as a board?  It would be nice to know what is making my hair fall out by the handfuls?  Why I have such bad headaches?  Why I have a lump in my throat sometimes, then other times not?  I think if I was walking down the street of a strange town and walked by my brothers, they would not recognize me.  I always had "big" curly hair.  Always.  No matter what I did to it, it would end up big and fuzzy, or at least extremely curly. 

I went to the Optometrists Tuesday.  He wrote me a new prescription and said that it is normal for people suffering with Oxygen saturation problems.  Not only is it effecting everything else, it is aiding in my eyesight getting worse.

Can you tell I am frustrated?  I am trying so hard not to be.  I would love nothing better than to get up every morning, untangle my O2 tubing from covers and sheets and try not to trip over it while I put the bottoms on to my pajamas and wander out to get coffee, and be able to just sit down and watch the news without beginning to think who might I hear from today?  What phone call can come in today that may or may not be bad news, that may or may not mean I can begin to think about transplant without being told to be patient?  I just want to live with my Copd or get on with things. 
This thyroid issue in limbo is one thing.  The transplant is another.  I feel like I am leasing my life, like it's not really mine.  That I have no control, and at a whim someone can pull a string and in a flash my life could change forever.  Having brief moments like that is one thing... living daily like that I am not sure I can do.  Oh... I have to do it.  There is no option.  I have to come up with a way to balance daily life, and what lies in my future that is totally out of my control???  It's very easy for people to say... "don't dwell on it", "what will be, will be", "you can't control your future".  Everything else I have heard over and over again... and they are just words.  It doesn't change anything. 

I picked a fight with Bill tonight.  Just because I was frustrated.  That poor man needs a get away.  He didn't sign up for this, I know that's what "you do" when you love someone is put up with their moods, or illness.  It's what you're "supposed to do", I am not sure I would be strong enough to put up with me and my ever changing moods, not to mention all the new "duties" he now has that I can no longer do.  Ugh  Anyway, I need to find a way to let him know how much I appreciate him. 

I am turning into the "crazy canning" lady.  First it was plum sauce, then rose hips, then different plum sauce, now it's salsa.  I think this is my 2nd batch.  I have SO many tomatoes left (which reminds me to go look for a spaghetti sauce canning recipe) that I'd better do something with them quick.  I also am making pickled garlic and canning it.  It will be mostly a gift for Britt for Christmas.  It is better than it sounds.  Once pickled it actually is fairly mild tasting.

I am off to bed now.  I wish for myself a better tomorrow.  I wish for myself more patience and strength to get through the day.

I am having those depression moments again.  I am doing my best to talk myself out of it.  I am trying to keep busy, looking ahead to fall and the holidays.  I have been canning ... Salsa, plum sauce and rose hip catsup.  After months of talking about it I finally finished my cookbook and actually have it here to hold it in my hands.  I stenciled the bathroom and bought new curtains for it.  We have had Layla spend the night every Friday, and she always keeps me moving. 
But... I still have that nagging feeling that is weighing down my shoulders and makes it hard to find joy. 

I get so irritated at myself when I start feeling like this.  I really don't have it so bad.  There are plenty who are going through much worse than I am.  I had this pain in my right lung that would come and go.  It has been constant now the last 3 months or so.  So much so that at times breathing feels like I am pushing a hot knife into my chest.  I haven't talked about my emphysema much lately.  It's just a given that I have the disease and all that comes with it.  And, I knew it was only a matter of time before some of the more painful side effects started.  I can't start complaining now.  I know there are much worse times ahead.  So, I may come here and right about how bad I feel, but I can't dwell on it.
It's like early in the diagnoses, I spent so much time feeling sorry for myself and being angry that I waisted quality time.  Time that could have been spent going and seeing things, small things.. like wandering through markets, going to a movie, going for a drive and have lunch along the way.  Just little things that let us get out of the house and see something new.

That will be a goal of mine.  I suppose it's the same goal I have had since last year about this time. 

My 2nd biopsy

Yesterday afternoon I had my 2nd thyroid biopsy.  This time the surgeon did it and this time he took cells from both nodules.  I had more discomfort afterwards, but the procedure went much smoother.  Really I suppose it's minimal discomfort.  My throat inside felt scratchy and outside felt like I was strangled.  LoL  I also have this new reaction to bandages.  Every inch of where the 2 bandages were are burned.  As a matter of fact that is my biggest pain today.  So, I would say all in all it went very well.  He told me as soon as he gets the pathology back he will call me.  I liked him. 

I still haven't heard anything from my Pulmonologist or his nurse regarding the transplant.  She was to call me when there was news.  I am not going to be calling them every week, but the 26th of this month will be a month since I was told, so I will call then.  And, once a month thereafter.  That isn't bothering them too much is it?  I am trying my best to have patience and to not dwell on the "transplant" word.  So far I think I have done pretty well.  I am keeping busy with trying to lose weight, getting my house ready for fall, and looking forward to a optometry appointment the 12th... after which I am hoping with new glasses I will be able to go back to my bead work.  That will give me something to occupy my time and take my mind off food, sickness and transplant.
I have probably 10 pounds of beads (not an exaggerating) that have been set aside, and when Mom passed away I brought hers home.  She had just as many as I did.  It was a joy of ours to shop for them.  We would find all kinds of out of the way bead stores.  God, I miss her so much. 

My cookbook arrived and I am very pleased with it.  I think it will make nice gifts for my brothers, and I will get one for Brittney too. 

Tuesday's WW's weigh in

I was dreading weighing in today.  I thought last week I had watched what went into my mouth and was surprised that I gained 3.4 pounds.  So, today I squinted when I got on the scale afraid of what I might see.  I lost 3.6 pounds.  So, actually I lost what I had gained the two weeks prior plus lost .2 pounds.  I'll take it.  That brings my total to 8.6 pounds in all.  Many many more to go.  Baby steps.

Yesterday I decided to stencil our bathroom.  I used to be so crafty all the time and hadn't done one thing since Mom passed away.  It felt nice to accomplish something again.  It was nothing intricate or even difficult, but I like how it looks.  I painted it red soon after I was diagnosed.  Bill said it just looks like rage.  LOL  I happen to like it in there, it always makes my skin look like it's glowing, and my red eyes look a little brighter. :)

Today I am sore.  I am not used to being on tippy toes on the step ladder.  And, stenciling is "pounding" with an almost dry brush on a surface... so my right arm feels like Popeye the Sailor mans'.  lol

I was so tired today.  I had so many things planned to do.  I ended up coming home from WW and going to bed for a couple hours.  I still am just exhausted, not sure why?  It could be the change in seasons.  It seems it all changed in one day.  My poor tomatoes I have left out there are shivering.  I suppose I should bring them in and hang them, but I am hoping to give them the rest of this week.
Bill bought me some more canning jars today, only a dozen pint jars.  I wanted to use some of these tomatoes, and it looks like I will have just enough to make a decent batch of Salsa and can it so we have fresh salsa all winter.  Bill uses it in his chili too.

The nurse called me this morning and asked me if I wanted to have Valium for before the procedure and pain meds for after.  I told her no, I thought I could do just fine.  It is uncomfortable but not so bad.
I think I may have changed my mind though, and will call her in the morning and ask her to call in a small prescription just in case.  I really don't like taking pain meds and do so only if I have to.  I am remembering last time and I was uncomfortable that day, at least until the following day.  Then sore for a few days after.  Just kind of ache-y.

Oh my gosh, I know it's not even 8:00, but I think I am going to call it an early night. 

I am checking in.  Lungs are still giving me issues.  Bill and I were shopping for a new T.V. (more on that later. lol) and I actually ran out of air, even with my O2 on.  Bill kept walking not realizing I had a problem and was surprised to see me not behind him.  It took me about 30 seconds to get a deep enough breath to keep me from having an anxiety attack to go along with it.  I really work on relaxing when that happens.  I have learned from experience that when I am anxious breathing is harder.  It was odd anyway and I felt it was note-worthy.  I was alright after I could get a few good breaths into me, but for those 30 seconds I kept thinking... OMG I am going to be on the floor of this store having Bill give me CPR.  LOL  I was more worried about being embarrassed than anything else.  Stupid me!

So, 2 Christmas's ago Bill and I bought ourselves a 42" T.V..  We figured we watched enough of it, that would make a good present for the 2 of us.  About 2 weeks ago we were watching a movie and the T.V. just went blank.  We sat there for a few minutes thinking the dog must have hit the remote or something.  Then went to check our other T.V.'s and they were fine.  So, we took it in to the local T.V. repair shop.  Of course we had a ONE YEAR warranty on it, so that wouldn't help us.  After about 9 days the repair shop called and said some "board" had a power surge and it blew the entire thing.  Not to worry though... They could get a new "something" board and fix it for about 400.00.  LOL  We only paid 500 for the thing new.  So forget it! 
So yesterday we went T.V. shopping.  We ended up finding a sale on them, and of course the sale ended yesterday.  We weren't planning on actually buying one for a couple weeks until we finished some projects in the living room... shampooing carpets (needing to move everything out), and Bill is redoing our brick fireplace, which means lots of brick dust.
We ended up asking them to hold it for us.  We bought a 50" one this time (holly cow... like anyone needs a T.V. that big!) and can leave it there until we are ready to go pick it up. 

I finally finished my cookbook.  I think by the time I was done it was 82 pages.  I tried to put the link here ... but can't.  So, anyone who is interested send me your email address and I can send you to the site.  My email address is... usedtobewagg@charter.net
I ordered just one book first.  I want to make sure it's what I think it is before I order more for the family.  I will be getting one for Brittney and each of my brothers.  I think if the rest of the family wants one, they can get in touch with me and order their own.  The best part about this site is, you can design your own cover, and then pick only the pages you want.  Of course the fewer the pages the less $$ it is. 
My book will hold 100 pages (so I have 18 pages of credit I can make anytime and they will send them to me, I only would pay shipping then) and for the book plus 100 pages was 34.00.  I didn't think that was so bad, especially since I added my own family pictures and included a dedication page to my mom.  I have paid more for recipe books.

Layla spent the night last night.  We both had a terrible sleeping night.  I just had one of my nights that no matter which way I positioned myself I was uncomfortable, and she had a tummy ache.  So we both moaned for a while, slept a little then at some point I woke up and she had went into whine to Papa.  So needless to say tonight we are tired and I am ready for bed right now and it's only a little after 6:00.  LOL 

I am wondering how I did as far as Weight Watcher this last week.  I'll find out on Tuesday.  I just feel like I didn't watch my portions like I should have and definitely did not drink as much water as I needed to.  Every week I promise to do better than the previous week and I don't seem to do it.  I will have to find something to knock me back into the swing of things.

I will talk to Bill and see if he wouldn't mind walking and hour with me.  Even if I just "stroll" and make frequent stops.  I do my best when I have a schedule to keep.  And, walking always made me want to not overeat and ruin the good exercise I just had.  We'll see.